Happy birthday, Mom!

My mom is internet challenged. But I felt like writing a little something for her while watching a Golden Girls marathon (so appropriate). She turns 60 years old today. I felt kinda crappy because I can't really afford a huge blowout gift or party for her. But she's the type of woman who gets mad when I pick up the bill for a sack of Sliders at White Castle. She owns a landscaping business and actually works alongside her employees digging, planting, cutting, etc. She's always been my rock, my crazy (sometimes ditzy) rock. Anytime I need a shoulder or a listening ear, she's there night or day. She's there for me through thick and thin, and she always makes sure I am happy. When I was in a deep depression in the darkest time of my life, she didn't give up on me. She has never ever made me feel guilty for anything. But she is the greatest woman to ever ever ever grace my life. When I got into Burlesque 7 years ago (holy shit) I was afraid to tell her for the first year, but after I did she was nervous. But she supported me. She would tell me, "As long as you're safe, go for it. You're young. Have fun." She has bought me costume pieces and props. She marvels at my rhinestone encrusted creations and when a show is close to home she comes and sits in the front row screaming the loudest and waving her arms like a crazy person (while eating mozzarella sticks and drinking a Diet Coke). It's because of her I'm obsessed with films like Ghostbusters, Back to the Future, anything Disney related, and the Birdcage. She's the reason I am who I am.

I love you mom. Even though you probably won't see this. I love you, you crazy crazy woman you.

I'm Proud of You.

So this weekend was the very first New Jersey Burlesque Festival. As I was driving home after the 2nd night, my brain was totally buzzing with feelings and emotions (and also the caffeine from the 5 hour energy).

I'm dedicating this post to my friend Khon.

I met him when I was 20 years old, and performing in Rocky Horror. He was in the audience with a girl I also became friends with and I crashed into him (or did I step on his foot?) while I was running around and I apologized all damn night to him until I left. His friend ended up joining the cast, so I ended up becoming friends with her and later befriending him. She went away for a bunch of months and Khon and I ended up talking more and more online then one random Saturday we hung out one on one for the first time and saw the uplifting film "Black Snake Moan". From then on we were best buddies. We hung out constantly, watched awesome movies, and did awesome stuff.

The month before I turned 21 I ventured into the world of Burlesque with the girl I mentioned before. It seemed like an awesome crazy thing to do so why not? Khon was there, he did tech for the show with my oddball ex boyfriend and it was a good time (He had to keep me from killing my ex that night. That was fun). As my curiosity in performing burlesque grew, Khon was always there. He was always helping me find and/or edit my songs, helping me find costuming, driving or riding with me to my shows so I wouldn't have to go alone, and videoing all of my acts. We started making more friends within the burlesque scene, and then bringing more people into the scene eventually as well.

A couple of years later Khon started getting the producing bug. He came to me in 2010 saying "Hey, I wanna try and put a troupe together. Wanna do it?" (in so many words) I was on board immediately. We got our friends together and started booking a few shows under the name of Ink & Paint Club Burlesque. Eventually our troupe grew and our shows were getting more awesome every time. In 2011 Khon mentioned that he wanted to have a huge showcase featuring all kinds of different performers local and non local. It sounded super awesome. So then the New Jersey Burlesque Showcase was born at Roxy & Dukes Roadhouse in Dunellen, NJ. The first show was standing room only, and it was a huge hit.

Here and there over the next couple of years he'd say "Oh man I wanna produce like a huge festival in NJ. We don't have a festival like other states." We'd always talk about it in a "some day at some point" way.

This past January Ink & Paint had a meeting and he announced he was trying to make the big festival happen this year. All of us were excited because that's a huge deal but we wanted to see what happened before anything was set.

This past weekend the festival happened. All of the years of "That would be really cool" and "I wish this could happen" actually happened. Performers from all over came out to do this amazing festival. I headlined on the first night with Hazel Honeysuckle, and I&P nailed a group act that was thrown around here and there for the last few years as well. Khon did it. He produced a big ass amazing show jam packed with burlesque, sideshow, comedy, and magic. Both nights were completely packed and standing room only at the legendary New Jersey venue, Asbury Lanes in Asbury Park, NJ on a gorgeous summer weekend in August.

We went from two goofy goofs seeing a mildly uncomfortable movie, to best friends. We've had our ups and downs. We drive each other absolutely fucking crazy some times. But god damn it, Khon. I'm fucking proud of you. You did it. High fives and hugs for 5ever.

Thank you for always pushing me to keep going. Thank you for driving me and riding with me to shows. Thank you for letting me headline the biggest deal ever. Thank you for all of the times you've pulled over to a McDonald's (or whatever fast food was available) when I was cranky and hungry. Thank you for putting up with my shit for all these damn years. Thank you for being my rock.

You're fucking awesome.

Apparently I'm a celebrity!

So. As a few of you know, I work in childcare. I work in a center in an infant age classroom.

As far as I knew nobody knew about well, me. Except one girl who I work with who I have known since high school and helped get me the job in the first place.

I have an Instagram (who doesn't these days?), two Facebook pages, and a Facebook Fan Page. My Instagram is locked down (you have to request to follow me). My personal page is non searchable. The other two you could find if you just searched Lily Stitches. I follow a local nail salon where I get my nails done, and sometimes when she does crazy stuff on my nails she posts it. Or I'll "like" something on it. Or she'll tag me. No big deal.

A girl I work with in my room is 17, and she follows the same nail tech. She saw the nail picture, put two and two together and was like "OH OKAY." and Googled her heart out. While her other 17 year old friend was with her. Who went to another friend, and more.

This is bound to happen, so I'm not completely offended. But I -DO- get offended when a girl who I have little to no problem with (my only problem with her is that she's not very good with the kids and is pretty obnoxious. Also goes around screaming about her fake IDs, partying, etc.) finding out then GOING TO THE DIRECTOR OF MY JOB TELLING HER SHE'S OFFENDED BY ME AND ISN'T COMFORTABLE WITH ME WORKING WITH CHILDREN.

This brings me back to this post that I made last year. I am not hurting the kids. I am not hurting any of my coworkers by doing what I do. If I offend you, I offend you. Don't try to pull my job out from under me for it. From what the grapevine has told me, this went down about a month ago, and if I were to be fired I feel like I would have been fired by now.

But fast forward to yesterday I was sitting at work. All of the kids were sleeping, so it was the 17 year old, a 19 year old substitute, and myself. The substitute was asking me about some cosplay help (She wants to make Poison Ivy) and we were just talking about that kinda stuff when she said, "Well... I kinda hear you... were a dancer?"

FFFFUUUUCK.

Apparently another girl had heard about my little "secret" and told the sub about it. I asked her how it even came up. She said it was random because they were just talking about different classrooms and I just kinda popped up in conversation. Again, this is what I do. The girl isn't spreading lies. But jeez, who knew I'd be so popular! I'm also glad that these girls are so bored with their own lives that they think they can somehow try to bring me down for living the life I love.

Oof.

So I'll post updates on the job front if/when they come to me.. but until then I will leave with a song in my heart and a spring in my step!

Body stuff... but I love food!

I feel like this is a long post coming, but it won't be a long post. It's just a feeling I get once in awhile but I felt like I needed to address it.

I have massive body issues. When I was a kid up until I want to say I was about 22 I was about 110 lbs (soaking wet with quarters filling my pockets). Also when I was 22 I dated a guy who convinced me I was chubby and also convinced me to go on a 1000 calorie a day diet. It lasted for about a month, then I gave up because I was at AnimeNext and being at a convention while dieting is pretty impossible.

There I am at age 22, probably at about 110-115 lbs. There are photos from that shoot where you can see my ribs! I haven't seen my ribs in a very long time! But the downside to this was that I hated having no curves. I couldn't twirl tassels. I had no "shape" to me. I was even skinny shamed in a review of a burlesque show I was in because I was "too" skinny. And that killed me.

Flash forward to me now. I've been dieting on and off and working out on and off for the past year. I've finally actually cut the shit and got serious. I cut out all soda in the past week (1 week going strong! woo!), and I still have to get onto portion controlling/cutting down on garbage food. 

I feel like in the past year though my body issues have skyrocketed even when I'm around the most supportive and wonderful people ever. When I went to New York Comic Con this year I cried the entire morning getting ready because I just felt disgusting. I felt like I was a sausage stuffed into this costume. When I took photos my poses were either goofy (on purpose) or awkward because I was just so uncomfortable. 

You can tell me a thousand times that I look great. You can tell me a thousand more times that I'm being crazy. But if I'm uncomfortable, I'm uncomfortable. I won't listen to you or whoever say "No! You look amazing, really!" I get anxiety. I get scared I'm going to end up on a website shaming me for wearing what I want to wear, when I worked my ass off on that costume. One of my best friends almost had to drag me out of the house when I was so sad wearing it. 

But now I'm trying to work out and eat better for myself, not anyone else. I want to be comfortable in my own skin for once. I'm cosplaying Felicia this summer, and I just want to feel awesome in it and not be worried the entire time that someone will be wondering "Ugh why would she think she could wear that?" I won't be constantly thinking "If I bend over in this act my stomach will sag... oh god... need to think about that..." 

But I mainly just wanted to make this post to tell myself that it's okay to feel like I do sometimes. And it's okay to have Taco Bell for dinner after an awesome day with friends. And it's also okay to want to improve myself for me. I don't have a "goal weight". I just want to look in the mirror naked and go "Yes. This is good." which I've been doing more often than not in the past week. 

And I'm rambling now. Have a good one, everyone!