I have massive body issues. When I was a kid up until I want to say I was about 22 I was about 110 lbs (soaking wet with quarters filling my pockets). Also when I was 22 I dated a guy who convinced me I was chubby and also convinced me to go on a 1000 calorie a day diet. It lasted for about a month, then I gave up because I was at AnimeNext and being at a convention while dieting is pretty impossible.
There I am at age 22, probably at about 110-115 lbs. There are photos from that shoot where you can see my ribs! I haven't seen my ribs in a very long time! But the downside to this was that I hated having no curves. I couldn't twirl tassels. I had no "shape" to me. I was even skinny shamed in a review of a burlesque show I was in because I was "too" skinny. And that killed me.
Flash forward to me now. I've been dieting on and off and working out on and off for the past year. I've finally actually cut the shit and got serious. I cut out all soda in the past week (1 week going strong! woo!), and I still have to get onto portion controlling/cutting down on garbage food.
I feel like in the past year though my body issues have skyrocketed even when I'm around the most supportive and wonderful people ever. When I went to New York Comic Con this year I cried the entire morning getting ready because I just felt disgusting. I felt like I was a sausage stuffed into this costume. When I took photos my poses were either goofy (on purpose) or awkward because I was just so uncomfortable.
You can tell me a thousand times that I look great. You can tell me a thousand more times that I'm being crazy. But if I'm uncomfortable, I'm uncomfortable. I won't listen to you or whoever say "No! You look amazing, really!" I get anxiety. I get scared I'm going to end up on a website shaming me for wearing what I want to wear, when I worked my ass off on that costume. One of my best friends almost had to drag me out of the house when I was so sad wearing it.
But now I'm trying to work out and eat better for myself, not anyone else. I want to be comfortable in my own skin for once. I'm cosplaying Felicia this summer, and I just want to feel awesome in it and not be worried the entire time that someone will be wondering "Ugh why would she think she could wear that?" I won't be constantly thinking "If I bend over in this act my stomach will sag... oh god... need to think about that..."
But I mainly just wanted to make this post to tell myself that it's okay to feel like I do sometimes. And it's okay to have Taco Bell for dinner after an awesome day with friends. And it's also okay to want to improve myself for me. I don't have a "goal weight". I just want to look in the mirror naked and go "Yes. This is good." which I've been doing more often than not in the past week.
And I'm rambling now. Have a good one, everyone!
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